Is there nothing more invigorating than stumbling up to a perfect stranger and instigating awkward physical contact? There’s something about reaching across the lines of what you thought was your own personal space to grasp the, most likely unwashed, hand of your newly made acquaintance. What surprises await you on the other side?

Instigating one is already unpleasant enough without the added mystery of the act itself. By the above, I mean grip. It’s important stuff.

Ever run into John Doe over there, hoping to make a good impression with a firm shake? Well what Mr. Doe fails to inform you is his grip is like an ailing gerbil’s, leaving you to practically crush his hand in a maneuver that looks more than a little like you’re taken to overt intimidation techniques. This is made all the more pleasant by the look of sudden discomfort, and overall feeling of faux pas emanating from anyone near enough to see you clamp down on your new chum like an overzealous pit bull. And what of those who experienced it the other way around? Those light shakers not taken to squeezing the life out of their new companion’s hand?

I wouldn’t know.

Moving right along.

So you’ve managed to lurch across enemy lines, and have either squeezed the life out of someone, or had your own circulation cut off in turn, it’s over now right?

Wrong.

You may now have the privilege of experiencing the Big Three. That being, the trio you’re most likely to come across out in the field of social relations. Let’s start with a crowd favorite.

Sweaty Palms Guy
Either he dipped his hands in that mysterious puddle of goop you passed on the highway, or you’ve just been given a sweaty surprise. Which I’d prefer is a toss up, but I’m leaning towards the goop.

Whichever it is, it’s on your hands now, your once, hopefully, clean hands, which you will be unable to wash until you’ve completed the socially acceptable amount of banter. This is, unfortunately, not your day, for I find more often than not, that this breed tends to chatter.

And by that I mean stammer on ineffectually in disconnected bouts of prattle, while you supply against yourself bits for him to keep afloat. For those of you simply terrified of germs, every syllable lasts a century. For those unconcerned by a strange man’s sweat on your palms, I wonder what you’ve been up to.

I Don’t Know When to Stop Shaking Chap
Alright, so perhaps you’ve avoided the soggy surprise, and can walk away without need for a towel. Congrats, but don’t throw it in yet.
This one has some energy. What seems like a simple shake turns into something of a full body earthquake as your new buddy gives your forearm the old seventy stroke tune up. To make matters peachier these generally come equipped with a grip that could make an alligator jealous and a mouth to rival the most seasoned gossip.

They’ve always got a story, not that you’ll remember any of it with the concussion your currently bouncing brain is sure to have after this. Symptoms of encountering this breed generally fall in between whiplash and the sudden urge to chew your arm off like a trapped coyote.

The Half and Half
This has to be the sneakiest of them all, these ninjas of greeting. You’re minding your own business, keeping a respectable distance in the approach as you grasp their hand. Their palms aren’t sweaty, and the grip is moderate and unobtrusive. They may shake once or twice, nothing at all out of place.

You poor unsuspecting fool.

It is upon the supposed release that they strike. It may feel like nothing more than a slight pull, but it’s already too late. They’ve locked on, and you can kiss your personal space goodbye. That’s right, you are now on a collision course towards the chest of what moments ago was a complete stranger.

Enjoy.

Any attempt at escape is futile, as your center of gravity is likely two golden seconds of self possession behind you and your surprise momentum has left you lurching forward without dispute.

The upside, these generally don’t chatter during the act. The downside, you’ve just been cuddled by a stranger.

Of course there are many more unpleasant tidbits and trappings to this time honored interaction, but I find myself spoiling for some Tai food, so I’ll leave you all to ponder them in my stead.

Good night and good luck,

-Scarves

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