There’s always a set of rules isn’t there? Some whack job’s wet dream of customer/employee interaction that goes something like a happy go lucky Teletubby episode. Well I’m here to give you the run down on the most common of these twisted regulations. Let’s start with a fun one.

“Greet and acknowledge all customers in a friendly, professional manner…” –Cashier 1

As opposed to spitting on them right? I don’t know about you, but I have to be reminded now and then not to upchuck the contents of my stomach at every new person I meet. Thanks for the heads up Lowes, I can tell this is going to be a beautiful relationship.

“Positive approach in interactions with customers and team members. Reliable attendance. Good communication skills…” –Part Time Teller

I have to show up you say? And no hassling people? Good thing you told me about it, otherwise I might have thought that plotting the guy that took my lunch out of the employee fridge’s demise was totally kosher. I mean, everyone one else on the planet thinks so, what makes you guys so special?

And those good communication skills? Don’t you mean: We’d like someone capable of talking in a way that other human beings can understand? Why not just post no fake languages or people of questionable nationality? It’d be just as fracking pointless. Wells Fargo is on the ball.

“Evaluate existing customer’s needs and cross sell additional products and services…”-Part time In store Retail Banker

Look for the gullible. Sell them their own pants.

-Woodforest National bank

“High School Diploma with some college preferred. Four + years of experience in office administration; at senior level preferred…” –Senior Administrative Assistant

We’d like you to be smart, but only enough that you don’t realize how pointless you are. Who wouldn’t want to be the Senior Administrative Assistant? Sounds pretty cushy till yah get to that last part doesn’t it? Goes a little sour there at the end. Assistant. Bad. Senior. Good. Administrative. Powerful. Congratulations, you’re now the senior citizen with a powerful case of bad gas. And you work for meaningless titles in an office that’s waiting for you to die. Way to play it Texas Health.

“Adheres to all policies and procedures established by Halloween City in order to achieve our overall goals…” –General Manager

You do the work. We keep the money. We’ve only got a short amount of time to peddle our craptastic wares to soon to be flammable toddlers, and we need you to do it! We can’t have you mucking up our master plan now! Be a good little robot and work that overtime you’re never getting paid for. What’s that? You have thoughts? That’s not covered by your seasonal contract. Go cry to the Easter Bunny.

“Join our team!” – Whatabuger Team member

Well hand me a grease stained Jersey and call me Burgers! Because getting a real job is for chumps, I’d totally rather be on this cool new team of yours instead. I mean, it’s not like you call it that because you know people will work far harder and longer for an ideal than they ever will for a corporation right?

Naw, this is a team! Because it’s totally normal for teams to have a single shareholding member that controls everything they do and owns all the fruits of their labor. That’s just teams for yah. They’re greedy, greedy bastards.

So when that fat sack of failure you get paid slave wages to deal with has a coronary over a missing detail in a burger the size of your face, remember, you’re not an exploited worker, you’re part of a team!

Goodnight, and good luck,

-Scarves

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