I started this post with the full intention of making fun of the lot of you. There was no shortage of fuel for a good rant on your antics, and considering I have everything from those of you who are just hell bent on being noseless wonders in your photos to those of you who can’t go five seconds without posting something passive aggressive about your ex, I was more than ready to give you the what for.

And I still might, but before we get into any of that I couldn’t help but think of the people behind these ridiculously aggravating posts. Looking deeper revealed the details behind the filter.

Like the fact that everyone’s hurting

No matter how stardusted someone’s lifestyle seems all it takes is one of those obnoxious “ugh” posts to make you realize that all is not well in Coolsville. Everyone is dealing with their own version of tragedy, and though some people’s definitions will make you want to take a tire iron to their face, when it comes right down to it, perspective is king. You may think that an annoying text from an ex hardly qualifies for the self-righteous social media strutting we see on a day to day basis, and sure, compared to the fact that your AC went out yesterday in the midst of a Texas summer, it’s no competition when put side by side. However, none of that counts when it comes to personal dilemma.

If it did, the only people who would be allowed to complain about anything would be conjoined, quadriplegic, differently sexed, minority twins living on pesticides in war torn Africa while carrion birds feasted on their first and only pet.

Both of them have face tattoos from Monsanto, and one of them is missing a foot.

The fact that the other has a foot fetish is the most terrible irony.

Luckily for you, you live in a country that has remotes that can escape this kind of guilt ridden commercial and rejoin the ranks of a people who’ve every right to piss their pants the moment the toaster oven stops working.

Go ‘Murica!

Everyone’s insecure

Even the most self-masturbatory celebrity has some moles in places they’d rather not reveal to the public, and when it comes to staring into our naked souls not a single one of us is exempt a bit of cringe worthy tidbits. Social networks have allowed space for these once dark secrets to leave enough clues to diagnose every person old enough to have an account with a myriad of mental hang-ups, and those of you who said you haven’t looked at an old profile pic by now and flinched are lying through your teeth.

It doesn’t matter how good you look.

Perfect face? Bet you hate your butt.

Party monster? Bet you worry that you’re fake.

Funny? Bet you bomb at life.

Smart? Bet you bomb yourself.

Yay self-loathing!

The point is we’re all ashamed of something, and assuming the perfection of someone based on the evidence of a network more filled with missing noses than honest representations of their outrageous honkers is like basing the success or failure of your life on the glossy ads of your local Ikea.

Both are unfairly reliant on lighting, and it’s only a matter of time until those sharp corners injure the children.

Big nose joke?

You bet.

Am I sorry?

Nose.

And finally, everyone’s seeking validation

Nothing says ‘Dear god please tell me I’m pretty’ like posting a new picture to your profile, and posting your political beliefs in a pool of friends that you know damn well have the same views as yourself is no different. Both are only there for a pat on the back, and if you think either of those things have been misjudged I dare you to post something other than the user expects.

Are you ‘blocked’ yet?

I thought so.

No one wants to hear your ‘actual opinion’ on their new haircut, and so help me should you have the utter social retardation to think that telling someone that they look like a turnip is just you being ‘real’ you might want to rethink your continued residence on the network of surprise butts disguised as cleavage and twelve billion posts on what’s giving us cancer a day.

You are outnumbered.

You are shallow.

And you are no better than us.

Complaining about this on facebook will only prove my point.

Now excuse me while I update my pic.

 

Goodnight and good luck,

-Scarves